- Introduction
- A puzzling questions regarding phantoms
- Painful truth about our existence
- Confrontation with dilemma situation
- How should the enigmatic thoughts be erased?
I’ve always been on the fringe of the social circle. Much like a donut, the core of my peers seems a hollow, meaningless thing granted both a name and recognition. I prefer the tangible—I always have. I see people, as little more than bleating phantoms. I hear them; I feel them; I’m never quite sure I see them. Oh, I see their amour, and their callous hides of lipstick and eye shadow—but I can’t think of a single person I’ve ever truly laid eyes on. My sense of life is that Iam my own truth, my own soul—for how can I be influenced by someone that doesn’t truly exist? Am I the sole individual amidst a populace of bodies? It cannot be so, yet “I think, therefore I am,” and I often feel as though Iam the only one who truly does think.
The truth is glaringly painful when one pulls the wool from over his eyes: people are forever seeking enlightenment. The irony is that most can’t handle the light they so vehemently seek. Instead of piercing the thick veil of shadows that is their existence, they blind themselves –desperate humans unwittingly emulating a modern day Oedipus. Darkness is something of an anesthetic. The blush on one’s cheeks and the clothes on one’s body mean so very little when no one can see her, and even less when she can’t see herself. I’m crushed with the ability to see the shadows people don like worn out overcoats they can’t bear to throw away, but unable to do anything about it. I’ve cast off my clinging shadow, or perhaps I’ve merely strengthened it to a point where I merely think I’ve conquered it. Nevertheless, I stand staunchly by the former idea; I believe my intelligence and spirituality to be richer since my revelation. That notwithstanding, to view these shades without colour is a truly painful experience.
I often myself whether I’d be better off without the stigma of this quasi-enlightenment upon my soul. Shall I be denied my shadowy delights simply because I’ve caught a glimpse of the light? It burns, it sears, and every waking hour is spent, in part, on pondering this double-edged truth which I both desire and despise. Still, I cannot truly abhor it. I can only thank whatever allowed me a glimpse beyond the blinders my peers seem to covet. This alleys side street, and the tantalizing delights that glance away from the beaten path offer go unheeded by the great mass of men. I would prefer my ideals decreed sickly and shot as a once proud horse might be, than to wallow in my own numinous filth. To submit is to accept something other than who I am the alternative lifestyle being countless years of trudging down a road until the end of my days, growing petulant and weary, and never to seeing the forest for the trees, much less the forest itself.